Author Archives: fostress

Miscarriage support book published September 16th 2021

I’m very excited to announce that my book on how to support someone after a miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy will be published on September 16th 2021 in time for Baby Loss Awareness Week in October.

It’s been a long time without an update (a combination of 2020 lockdowns, a very sick second pregnancy and a baby boy born on the 23rd December 2020) but I’m currently taking some time out from maternity leave to answer editor queries and make some amendments. It’s very strange to come back to it after four months. Writing whilst pregnant after a previous missed miscarriage was an intense experience (for the sake of my anxiety I also had to turn down some work on second-trimester loss with the Miscarriage Association around this time).

The book has information on miscarriage, ectopic and molar pregnancies, the possible physical and emotional impacts and other related issues. It explores how to talk about them, practical matters, providing ongoing support and helping someone through pregnancy after loss. It also has a specific chapter for partners, useful resources and information on looking after yourself too.

It was not just my book to write. I have been through the pain of a missed miscarriage but there are thousands of stories of loss, of endurance, of grief and pain, of relief or guilt, of acceptance or of ongoing struggle. They are often kept behind closed doors. The more we hear their voices, the better we will understand. I included as many different experiences as I can throughout, in the person’s own words where possible. Many of those who shared their experience were doing so for the first time. Some found it cathartic. Everyone said how important it was to be able to share and to tell others what can, and does, happen. I hope I’ve done them all justice.

Miscarriage Association workplace resources published

The Miscarriage Association has recently published a hub of information and support resources for employees, employers, managers, colleagues and HR staff. After a year spent researching, writing and creating the information, case studies and films, it’s fantastic to see them live.

Ironically, I suffered a missed miscarriage during this time. Needless to say the Miscarriage Association were wonderfully supportive and patient.

Research with employees and employers

In any workplace, a number of women (and partners) will have experienced a pregnancy loss.  My research identified difficulties relating to:

  • a lack of knowledge of employees’ rights – including those related to leave,
  • managers’ lack of knowledge and actual misinformation on the types of loss and the physical and psychological implications,
  • failures of managers/employers to ask employees what they needed and what would help,
  • a lack of follow up support or awareness of/sensitivity to ongoing needs,
  • feeling judged or receiving thoughtless or hurtful comments,
  • a pressure to return to work before feeling ready or inflexibility with time off and sometimes disciplinary action taken as a result,
  • a lack of acknowledgement from employers or colleagues,
  • discrimination relating to promotion or even redundancy after a loss or if it’s known that someone is planning to conceive,
  • anxiety about returning to work and
  • less support/changes in support offered after experiencing multiple losses (when if anything it’s needed more).

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Women at Work – presentation and podcast for the Work Body Ready event

1915

In 1915, Margaret Llewelyn Davies edited and published ‘Maternity – Letters From Working Women’. This moving collection of letters from members of the Women’s Co-operative Guild details their experiences of pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth, stillbirth, infant death and parenting.

At the end of every letter was listed the family salary and the number of miscarriages, stillbirths and live children they had.

Wages 17s – 25s – 11 children, 2 miscarriages.

Wages 25s. 4 children, 10 miscarriages.

Wages 30s. 5 children, 5 miscarriages.

Wages 16s – 18s. 9 children, 1 stillbirth, 1 miscarriage.

These incredible letters enable us to hear the voices of working women speaking to us across time, describing their experience of motherhood (and often near-constant pregnancy) in a working-class family and without access to free healthcare. Anyone who has ever been pregnant will find something to relate to here.

The letters drew attention to the high level of perinatal loss and the need for better healthcare and financial support for parents. Many mothers had to do heavy and exhausting work throughout their pregnancies and return to work soon afterwards. They and their children’s health suffered as a result.

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A tiny bundle of hope – remembering Sprout this Baby Loss Awareness Week

Today is the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2019. A week to remember babies who were lost in pregnancy, during birth or soon afterwards. I wanted to write something in honour of little Sprout whom we lost in August. Sprout was only on the brink of being – a seven-week-old embryo whose heart had barely started beating before it went still. But they were also a tiny bundle of hope and, as those first three months passed, dreams and plans.

The impact of a hidden grief

Miscarriage is often a hidden grief. Around one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Most of these happen in the first trimester. Many of us choose not to share until after the dating scan. But when things go wrong we suffer in private, without the support of family and friends.

There are thousands of us trying to make sense of these feelings alone when we could be helping each other through. Pregnancy loss is ignored in policy and in the workplace. Women and their partners are not given the right psychological and physical support. The Miscarriage Association and other charities involved in Baby Loss Awareness Week are trying to change this. I recently wrote a report on pregnancy loss, mental health and the NHS and new mental health resources for the Miscarriage Association. I’m currently working on new information for employers and I’m involved in a cross-government working group to improve guidance around workplace policies relating to fertility, miscarriage and baby loss.

There is no ‘right’ way to feel about miscarriage. It affects everyone in different ways.  Here’s how I felt.

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‘Supporting someone you know’ – new Miscarriage Association resource online now

I’m pleased to report that my rewrite of the Supporting someone you know leaflet from the Miscarriage Association is online and in print now.

We identified the need to update this resource as part of the pregnancy loss and mental health project – but obviously its application is much wider. We didn’t do any resource-specific research but I was able to draw on research and understanding from a number of projects I have worked on for the Miscarriage Association including our award-winning youth resources project, our pregnancy after loss resources, our NHS training films, our recently published pregnancy loss and mental health information and our current project on miscarriage and the workplace.

The new leaflet comes at the same time as the launch of new miscarriage cards – for sale on the Miscarriage Association website.

Workplace mental health hub highly commended at the BMA Patient Information Awards.

In 2017 I developed a content plan and wrote 26 articles for Bupa’s new workplace mental health hub. I used to be a workplace ‘health check’ consultant for Time to Change and I enjoyed using my knowledge and experience of the issues involved to create resources that would help organisations make positive change.

All the articles were written to the Information Standard – an NHS kitemark that requires them to be based on the latest evidence and regularly reviewed.

The hub was shortlisted for a Bupa Global Clinical Excellence Award in 2018 and was recently highly commended at the British Medical Association Patient Information Awards.

Last time my work was nominated (and came runner up in two special categories), I was 37 weeks pregnant and didn’t want to risk a trip to London. This time, I was recovering from a missed miscarriage and was again unable to attend. One day I’ll make it – it’s a good opportunity to catch up with old colleagues and meet people doing wonderful and innovative things in the world of patient information.

Moderating a Facebook-based peer support group. Training for Hemihelp staff and volunteers

I recently worked with Hemihelp (now part of Contact) to help them train volunteer moderators for their peer support group on Facebook.

The group was established in 2007 and became more active in 2011. It has over 5,000 members and over 11,000 interactions each month. It seems to be a strong community with a lot of peer support offered (there is little need for moderator input on this front). There is debate among members over the nature of the group and how it should be used.

I offered some advice around consultation with the community to help ensure the guidelines and moderation approach are based on the needs of the group. This can also be a really good way to introduce and embed changes.

Recruiting volunteers

Hemihelp planned to recruit volunteer moderators to help them manage the group moderation during office hours. I am usually a little wary about using volunteer moderators especially ones who are still active members of the group but this can depend very much on the community in question.

Initial response to the advert was quite low. This was perhaps understandable given the nature of the group (busy parents from all over the UK, many of whom couldn’t make it to London for training). I recommended that they emphasise the transferable skills volunteers might gain as well as the opportunity to help the community. This helped them recruit a few additional trainees but I think they would need to offer comprehensive online training to really increase their numbers.

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Pregnancy loss and mental health – new resources online now

I have just finished researching and developing a series of resources around pregnancy loss and mental health for the Miscarriage Association.

Research

I did extensive desk research and conducted a survey of the Miscarriage Associations supporters and stakeholders. In one week we received 1716 responses from people who self-identified as having had mental health problems as a result of their loss or losses.

Report and recommendations

I wrote a detailed report and provided recommendations.

Review of existing guidelines and quality standards showed that mental health support around pregnancy loss is limited and not always followed. Research highlights the association between early pregnancy loss and PTSD symptoms, OCD, depression and anxiety symptoms in particular – although studies are small, difficult to synchronise and limited in scope.

96% of all respondents to the survey reported that they had experienced difficult feelings, emotions or reactions that were caused by or related to their loss or losses in some way. 74% felt alone or isolated, 69% experienced persistent low mood, tearful or unable to find pleasure in things you used to enjoy and 61% felt numb or shut off from other people. 39% of all respondents had existing mental health problems that were made worse by their loss or losses. As well as the statistics we had almost 10,000 individual pieces of qualitative data to read and collate.

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My dark thoughts look for my most vulnerable spot – and now that’s my amazing and exhausting little boy (some thoughts on parenting and mental health).

I’m writing this to make sense of how I felt yesterday. I’m sharing it because I’m sure I’m not alone. Parenting is really hard and parenting with mental health problems can sometimes be a real struggle.

Like many of us, I’ve managed mental health problems most of my life. Mainly eating problems, anxiety and depression.

Resiliance and vulnerability

I became a mum in October 2017. In some ways, it’s made me more resilient. But those dark and anxious thoughts have always found my most vulnerable spot to poke away at – and now that’s my gorgeous, loveable, wakeful, clingy, frustrating, exhausting, friendly, kind, smiley little boy.

Uncertainty, blame, guilt and comparison

When I’m really struggling with my mental health, all those normal parenting concerns are magnified. I lose all perspective. I question everything. I blame myself for his tears and worries.  I get frustrated that he rarely wants to get down from my arms and play, when there’s so much I want to explore with him. Then I feel so guilty for wanting him to be even the tiniest bit different. He’ll have enough of that in his lifetime without me doing it too.

I compare myself to others and find myself wanting. I overthink his naps, the amount he breastfeeds, the time he sleeps, the little he eats. I wish I could have his Dad’s strength and calm.

I struggle to find the energy to bounce him through the day. On the very worst days, I hold him with tears in my eyes, unable to see my way through the next ten minutes of parenting tasks, let alone the hours until bedtime. And then I feel pathetic – and guilty that he saw me cry.

My heart feels raw when I think of him. I hurt for the pain he’s bound to feel, for the upsets and the bullies and the difficulties I can’t protect him from.  And when my defences are low, I get horrible intrusive images of him falling, or drowning, or burning.  Images that send my adrenalin soaring and leave me shaky and tight chested.

Fundamental emotions, twisted and distorted

It doesn’t get to this point too often, thank goodness. Usually, I have more perspective. I’m more resilient, patient and practical. But when I do spiral down, it’s faster and harder than before.

Those fundamental mum emotions of intense love, protectiveness and wanting the best for him get twisted and distorted into guilt, sadness, fear and negativity about myself and my ability to cope.  And these emotions are so strong, so deeply fundamental, that their distortions are powerful and destructive too.

Strength and love

The love I feel for Oaklan is incredible. When I’m not with him, I feel as if I’m slightly holding my breath until we are back together (even if I’m also desperate for a break!). These feelings will never fade. I never want them too. Perhaps part of being a parent is accepting that I’ll always be dealing with deeper and stronger emotions than ever before. But I hope that by starting to recognise how they interact with my mental health, I can stop letting the worries and fears take over too easily.

We’re never alone

Almost as soon as I posted on Twitter I got this response from another mum. I knew it wasn’t just me but sometimes it feels very lonely in my head. It’s good to be reminded that we’re not alone.

18 years ago I was prescribed antidepressants as if they were painkillers. Now I think I’m stuck on them for life.

18 years ago a doctor prescribed me antidepressants as if they were painkillers. I’ve tried to reduce my dose or come off them many times since. Now I think I’m stuck on them for life.

Usually I’m OK with this. But sometimes it feels quite scary. Yesterday I heard a radio report about a new Lancet article recommending that we should taper withdrawal over months or even years (current (unrealistic) NICE guidelines suggest tapering over weeks). Aspects of the interviewees’ experiences were so similar to mine that I had to pull over and take some deep breaths.

But this is nothing new. Reports in 2018 said existing guidance leads to misdiagnosis and harmful long-term prescribing. Thousands of people have reported huge difficulties coming off antidepressants. The longer you’ve been on them, the harder it seems to be to come off. Yet many healthcare professionals take a pretty casual approach to these brain altering chemicals.


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