Tag Archives: Eating disorder

Exercise addiction and eating problems – good days, bad days and thought gremlins

A non-artists impression (!)

Thought gremlins – a non-artists (!) impression

It’s been a few months since I last wrote about the tangle of eating, exercise and emotions I have found myself in this year.

I’m tired. More than anything I’m tired of thinking about food, eating, exercise and what I ‘should’ be doing. It’s just so tedious. Meditation, interesting work, DIY, time spent with friends and crafting gives me a break for a while but I can’t just turn it off completely.

I’m working on accepting that this particular punishing thought gremlin will take up brainspace for a while yet. I’m not going to waste the space I have left worrying about how much he’s around. That seems counter-productive.

Instead I’m trying to tame him by guiding  my thoughts in a healthier direction and gradually diluting them with new perspectives and approaches. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it only gives me glimpses of how things could be. This makes it worse when he grips back hold.

In the grip of the thought gremlin

When he’s got a grip he still sets tests for me and makes me feel awful for failing them . Do certain clothes fit? Do my fingers fit around? How does my body look and feel?

When I ran a 5k 10 seconds slower than my PB he whispered that it was because I was getting fatter. He didn’t care that it was still a sub 20 minute time. Achievements and compliments slide off him and fall forgotten.

Sometimes he chooses to berate me about how stupid I am to worry about it at all when so many people are dealing with astronomically more pressing problems. He’s not going to let me cut down on exercise too much right now – but he’s going to try and stop me enjoying it by telling me I’m doing too much as well.

A bad day

A tyranny of bartering and balancing. Reassigning guilt and promises. Negative and positive calorie credit. Pinching, pulling, judging and comparing.

Trapped by a grotesque distortion of natural processes that mend and fuel, store and burn energy. That keep me alive and moving hard and fast and well. I’ve hated every inch of skin. I know every fold and dimple intimately. Every tiny growth, bulge or change tells me I should be better.

What I have eaten today? Lost track, list it again. Over and over. Test my wrists, check my bones. If I list it in sections and move the biscuits to mid morning it sounds ok. Doesn’t it? Lost track, list it again. Maybe write it down. It’s ok that it looks like a lot, I ran yesterday and went spinning this morning. But that was to make up for last night when I had pudding. And couldn’t stop eating it (“because of your pathetic lack of self control” – thanks thought gremlin!). So I’m not really in credit, I should run this afternoon. But my knee. My bloody knee aches. If I was sensible I’d rest it. Even thinking of running on an injured knee shows I have a problem. But my trousers feel tight. I feel enormous. My wedding ring feels tight. I could swim. But that doesn’t burn as many calories. It doesn’t give me the FEELING. If I could just run today then that would reset everything. I can start being sensible tomorrow. If I cut down on food then I won’t have to exercise as much. But I don’t want to get back into restricting, it takes up too much headspace. I just want to eat normally. All this exercise makes me hungry. Maybe my knee is ok anyway. I’ll have a cold bath afterwards. Then I can have a nice dinner without worrying. Then the thoughts will calm down for a while and I’ll be able to focus on other things.

I refuse to restrict any more. I’m holding on to normal that way. And I’m HUNGRY. Instead I fight the urge to run and run and spin and swim and drain my body of energy then, as the voices quiet and I feel free of guilt, eat my way back to the same cycle.

On days like this it feels as if even a good day is one where the judgemental voices are appeased not forgotten. How do you stop when eating and exercise are always going to be part of life?

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Exercise addiction – managing the tangle of anxiety, eating and exercise.

Last Sunday I spent all day exercising

ImageIt started when I pressed snooze at 6am and cancelled my spinning class. I’d been in the gym at 6.30 all the previous week and had just returned from a busy couple of days running and walking in Cornwall. I was exhausted. But I didn’t get back to sleep. Anxiety levels rose. Getting dressed I was acutely aware of all my clothes, how they pressed against my skin. I couldn’t find anything I felt comfortable in. My hands felt swollen and my chest tight. My mind was whirring with calculations and lists.

It wasn’t until after a session on the cross trainer, a long swim and walk with the dog that I felt like myself again. A combination of relief from thoughts about overeating and, much more importantly, relief from the anxiety that made it matter so much in the first place.photo (1)

Yesterday evening I ran a very long way* because I ate some cake and chocolate buttons at work. The morning spin class stopped being enough.

It’s not so much the calories – although that doesn’t help at the moment. It’s a craving for that feeling after exercise where your thoughts are calm and still, your body feels tired but deserving of care and nourishment and your mind doesn’t have to calculate or judge because it knows you’ve done enough to rest.

“a craving for that feeling after exercise where your thoughts are calm and still, your body feels tired but deserving of care and nourishment and your mind doesn’t have to calculate or judge because it knows you’ve done enough to rest. “

Immediate relief vs long term recovery

legs and knee supports

Knee supports – NOT the answer to EVERYTHING

My knees and hips ache and sometimes even crunch. They need a break.  I am finally cutting down the running in favour of spinning, swimming and cycling.

But the daily doublethink is still absurd. Cold baths and a knee support is not going to allow me to run miles and miles however much I wish it would. Immediate relief still trumps long-term sensible decisions too much of the time. Even if that relief is tinged with guilt and frustration.

I’m planning my next exercise session whilst I’m in the middle of the previous one. I try to be more sensible but those persistent thoughts keep popping up.

‘You could run tonight. You could just do an extra session on the cross trainer after spinning. You could fit in a swim tomorrow morning if you get up really early. Remember how good it feels when you’re done, how much more you enjoy your food when you feel you deserve it, how much easier it is to rest and to concentrate when that anxious energy is stilled’.

Once I imagine that feeling, it’s hard to turn away from it.

But that feeling is lasting a shorter and shorter time. When I’m exercising twice a day and feeling anxious and panicky when I can’t get moving it’s time to get some help.
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Food, fat and flexible thinking – what’s so great about perfect anyway?!

Appearance is one of the main reasons for suicidal thoughts in the UK

According to Samaritans research, appearance is one of the main reasons for suicidal thoughtsScreen Shot 2013-10-26 at 09.40.33 in the UK. APPEARANCE.  This makes me very angry. But I can also completely understand why it is up there in the top three along with ‘feelings of failure’ and ‘academia’.

Food, fat and my thoughts about eating are one of the least clear and most complex aspects of managing my mental wellbeing. After all I have to eat every day. I can’t give up eating because it sometimes causes me mental anguish.

I have an athletic figure (that’s what I’d always go for when I did online dating anyway!). My body does amazing things for me – most recently a marathon in a time I was incredibly proud of. I’m not fat. To be honest, I never really have been.

My old teenage diaries would tell you otherwise. An angry blog post from Nothingbythebook recently triggered memories of what started my own difficult relationship with food. I was a girl like the one in the blog post. We didn’t have a TV and (at a risk of sounding overly romantic) I lived outside in hand me downs. My heroes were the ‘pirates’ in Swallows and Amazons. I remember a midnight feast I planned with friends in the garden where the more food we managed to acquire, the more gleeful we all became. Not once did I think ‘if I eat this, I’ll get fat’. And that’s how it should be. I haven’t felt that completely untainted glee at a pile of food since. Continue reading