Tag Archives: CBT

Thoughts on mental health and parenting a newborn

Oaklan came on the 5th October. He’s almost eleven weeks now and things are slowly starting to feel a little easier. I’m still pretty tired – and I’m writing this with him feeding on my lap – so please excuse any typos, half-formed ideas or clumsy phrasing.

I wanted to get down some thoughts about early parenthood and mental health. It’s something I was pretty worried about. I was concerned about the lack of sleep and relentlessness of it, plus not being able to exercise enough and dealing with a very different shaped body.

I was on 50mg of Sertraline throughout my pregnancy (a decision that was definitely the right one for me) and I chose to increase this to 75mg in the first difficult weeks. I think that’s helped. But, despite everything, early parenthood has also highlighted some healthier thinking patterns and approaches.

The achievement of labour and birth

I’d hoped that pregnancy would change my muddled relationship with my body. I’ve heard women say that it helps them see their bodies in a new light and recover from long-term eating problems. This didn’t happen for me. The whole nine months was an uncomfortable struggle with my changing body. I felt trapped and out of control. By 41 weeks I was desperate not to be pregnant. But labour and birth were more empowering. After seven hours of contractions, he came so fast I delivered him myself at home. An hour ago the midwife on the phone had told us I was still in early labour. We were lucky but it’s still an experience I’m proud of. I finally managed to see my body as something special and cut it a bit of slack (at least for the first six weeks or so).
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Exercise addiction and eating problems – good days, bad days and thought gremlins

A non-artists impression (!)

Thought gremlins – a non-artists (!) impression

It’s been a few months since I last wrote about the tangle of eating, exercise and emotions I have found myself in this year.

I’m tired. More than anything I’m tired of thinking about food, eating, exercise and what I ‘should’ be doing. It’s just so tedious. Meditation, interesting work, DIY, time spent with friends and crafting gives me a break for a while but I can’t just turn it off completely.

I’m working on accepting that this particular punishing thought gremlin will take up brainspace for a while yet. I’m not going to waste the space I have left worrying about how much he’s around. That seems counter-productive.

Instead I’m trying to tame him by guiding  my thoughts in a healthier direction and gradually diluting them with new perspectives and approaches. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it only gives me glimpses of how things could be. This makes it worse when he grips back hold.

In the grip of the thought gremlin

When he’s got a grip he still sets tests for me and makes me feel awful for failing them . Do certain clothes fit? Do my fingers fit around? How does my body look and feel?

When I ran a 5k 10 seconds slower than my PB he whispered that it was because I was getting fatter. He didn’t care that it was still a sub 20 minute time. Achievements and compliments slide off him and fall forgotten.

Sometimes he chooses to berate me about how stupid I am to worry about it at all when so many people are dealing with astronomically more pressing problems. He’s not going to let me cut down on exercise too much right now – but he’s going to try and stop me enjoying it by telling me I’m doing too much as well.

A bad day

A tyranny of bartering and balancing. Reassigning guilt and promises. Negative and positive calorie credit. Pinching, pulling, judging and comparing.

Trapped by a grotesque distortion of natural processes that mend and fuel, store and burn energy. That keep me alive and moving hard and fast and well. I’ve hated every inch of skin. I know every fold and dimple intimately. Every tiny growth, bulge or change tells me I should be better.

What I have eaten today? Lost track, list it again. Over and over. Test my wrists, check my bones. If I list it in sections and move the biscuits to mid morning it sounds ok. Doesn’t it? Lost track, list it again. Maybe write it down. It’s ok that it looks like a lot, I ran yesterday and went spinning this morning. But that was to make up for last night when I had pudding. And couldn’t stop eating it (“because of your pathetic lack of self control” – thanks thought gremlin!). So I’m not really in credit, I should run this afternoon. But my knee. My bloody knee aches. If I was sensible I’d rest it. Even thinking of running on an injured knee shows I have a problem. But my trousers feel tight. I feel enormous. My wedding ring feels tight. I could swim. But that doesn’t burn as many calories. It doesn’t give me the FEELING. If I could just run today then that would reset everything. I can start being sensible tomorrow. If I cut down on food then I won’t have to exercise as much. But I don’t want to get back into restricting, it takes up too much headspace. I just want to eat normally. All this exercise makes me hungry. Maybe my knee is ok anyway. I’ll have a cold bath afterwards. Then I can have a nice dinner without worrying. Then the thoughts will calm down for a while and I’ll be able to focus on other things.

I refuse to restrict any more. I’m holding on to normal that way. And I’m HUNGRY. Instead I fight the urge to run and run and spin and swim and drain my body of energy then, as the voices quiet and I feel free of guilt, eat my way back to the same cycle.

On days like this it feels as if even a good day is one where the judgemental voices are appeased not forgotten. How do you stop when eating and exercise are always going to be part of life?

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