Monthly Archives: November 2015

APP’s online peer support services: vital and life changing

“I’ll always remember the first time I met a ‘PP lady’. It was a very special day.”

“I had lots of friends who were mums but none of them understood what I was going through. I felt weird, lonely and isolated. When I found the forum I was like ‘Oh my god. People understand.”

APPLast Saturday I was invited back to run a third online peer support training session for Action on Postpartum Psychosis’ peer supporters.

Every year it is a moving and inspirational day (you can read about what we covered here). As I listened to the co-ordinators speak to new volunteers I was struck once again by just how important their peer support programme is.

In fact I think their services are a really good example of the life changing benefits that online peer support can provide. Peer support can be valuable for everyone but it is absolutely vital for APP.

Online peer support that connects those who’ve been there

Research by APP shows that women desperately want to meet other people who have been APP trainingthrough PP, to share symptoms and have time to talk. Partners said the same.

Everyone needs to share stories, to be accepted and understood – especially if you’re going through or recovering from severe mental illness. Unfortunately, because PP is relatively rare, friends and family don’t know what is is or what it feels like. There is unlikely to be someone living near you who has been there. Some people may be scared to speak about their experience for fear of stigma and misunderstanding. For most women the APP Peer Supporter training sessions are the first time they have been in the same room as someone who has also experienced PP.

APP’s forums provide that link. They connect people with hundreds of others who can support them. When someone signs up for APP’s one-to-one email support service they are actively matched with someone who has had a similar experience. The chances of finding that offline are very very small.
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PMT, hormones and withdrawal – treading on mood eggshells

Mood eggshellsIt’s fair to say I’m not compleeetely on top of things today.

The doctor moved me from Citalopram to Sertraline last month (slightly better for any potential pregnancies) and suggested I try and reduce the dose a little (again in preparation for the same). I wasn’t sure whether this was a good idea considering I’ve been struggling more recently – but also felt it was worth another go given a) things have started to be a little easier and b) the doctors are always telling me my old dose was sub therapeutic anyway (pah!).

Hormone smash

It was actually going pretty well until my period hit. Then those hormones smashed into me with a force I haven’t experienced for a while. Saturday was a real struggle, slow moving, anxious and crying on the kitchen floor (poor old confused Watson). Sunday was a little better – I felt exhausted and raw but calmer. We went to the Wildlife Photographer of the Year – it was good to get out of the normal routine but the crowds made me anxious and I cried in the bakery afterwards – overwhelmed by food choices for a birthday breakfast today. At least afterwards Al and I could laugh at some of my more ridiculous tearful utterings –  “I just want some nice bread” (sob).

Mood swings

And today I’m struggling with some serious mood swings. One moment I’m feeling calmer. I’m more on top of things and able to see ahead to all the joy in my life. The next it’s really black. My chest feels very tight, there’s no good memories anywhere and I can’t see a way through at all – the mental trickery of depression taken to an extreme. It seems to take almost nothing to trigger the change. I’m treading on mood eggshells and wary of the world. It’s tricky to trust in any individual moment.

It seems that both medication withdrawal and day to day management of my mental health is massively exacerbated by hormones at the moment. The worst weekend in October was a period weekend too. I need to recognise it and ride it out but it’s hard hard hard. Hopefully the worst will be over this month.

Writing, running and cake

Writing things down has helped – but on days like this I only feel myself when running. So I’m going to run and run and breathe deeply and listen to the world and watch Watson chase squirrels and hope I come back calmer – and ready for some birthday cake.

Exercise addiction and eating problems – good days, bad days and thought gremlins

A non-artists impression (!)

Thought gremlins – a non-artists (!) impression

It’s been a few months since I last wrote about the tangle of eating, exercise and emotions I have found myself in this year.

I’m tired. More than anything I’m tired of thinking about food, eating, exercise and what I ‘should’ be doing. It’s just so tedious. Meditation, interesting work, DIY, time spent with friends and crafting gives me a break for a while but I can’t just turn it off completely.

I’m working on accepting that this particular punishing thought gremlin will take up brainspace for a while yet. I’m not going to waste the space I have left worrying about how much he’s around. That seems counter-productive.

Instead I’m trying to tame him by guiding  my thoughts in a healthier direction and gradually diluting them with new perspectives and approaches. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it only gives me glimpses of how things could be. This makes it worse when he grips back hold.

In the grip of the thought gremlin

When he’s got a grip he still sets tests for me and makes me feel awful for failing them . Do certain clothes fit? Do my fingers fit around? How does my body look and feel?

When I ran a 5k 10 seconds slower than my PB he whispered that it was because I was getting fatter. He didn’t care that it was still a sub 20 minute time. Achievements and compliments slide off him and fall forgotten.

Sometimes he chooses to berate me about how stupid I am to worry about it at all when so many people are dealing with astronomically more pressing problems. He’s not going to let me cut down on exercise too much right now – but he’s going to try and stop me enjoying it by telling me I’m doing too much as well.

A bad day

A tyranny of bartering and balancing. Reassigning guilt and promises. Negative and positive calorie credit. Pinching, pulling, judging and comparing.

Trapped by a grotesque distortion of natural processes that mend and fuel, store and burn energy. That keep me alive and moving hard and fast and well. I’ve hated every inch of skin. I know every fold and dimple intimately. Every tiny growth, bulge or change tells me I should be better.

What I have eaten today? Lost track, list it again. Over and over. Test my wrists, check my bones. If I list it in sections and move the biscuits to mid morning it sounds ok. Doesn’t it? Lost track, list it again. Maybe write it down. It’s ok that it looks like a lot, I ran yesterday and went spinning this morning. But that was to make up for last night when I had pudding. And couldn’t stop eating it (“because of your pathetic lack of self control” – thanks thought gremlin!). So I’m not really in credit, I should run this afternoon. But my knee. My bloody knee aches. If I was sensible I’d rest it. Even thinking of running on an injured knee shows I have a problem. But my trousers feel tight. I feel enormous. My wedding ring feels tight. I could swim. But that doesn’t burn as many calories. It doesn’t give me the FEELING. If I could just run today then that would reset everything. I can start being sensible tomorrow. If I cut down on food then I won’t have to exercise as much. But I don’t want to get back into restricting, it takes up too much headspace. I just want to eat normally. All this exercise makes me hungry. Maybe my knee is ok anyway. I’ll have a cold bath afterwards. Then I can have a nice dinner without worrying. Then the thoughts will calm down for a while and I’ll be able to focus on other things.

I refuse to restrict any more. I’m holding on to normal that way. And I’m HUNGRY. Instead I fight the urge to run and run and spin and swim and drain my body of energy then, as the voices quiet and I feel free of guilt, eat my way back to the same cycle.

On days like this it feels as if even a good day is one where the judgemental voices are appeased not forgotten. How do you stop when eating and exercise are always going to be part of life?

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